Emotion Regulation: The Other Side of the Coin

So many of the conversations I have with clients emphasize the skills and importance of experiencing our emotions, however, this is only half the story. Emotional experiencing must also be balanced by emotion regulation. They are truly two sides of the same coin.

Emotional Experiencing

Healthy emotional experiencing is comprised of three essential parts:

⭐ Identify the emotionMove beyond vague language such as "I'm upset" or "I feel bad." Lean in and name the specific emotion you're feeling—sad, angry, afraid, etc.

⭐ Validate the emotionBe curious and take the time to understand what specifically is driving this emotion. Instead of minimizing or dismissing it, take a supportive approach and recognize why it makes sense to feel what you're feeling.

⭐ Experience the emotionAllow yourself time to let the emotion exist and really feel it, without trying to change it or shutting it down in some way.

The Challenge of Feeling

People often find this process uncomfortable and challenging and have fears about leaning into their emotions:

❌ "If I allow myself to feel sad, I won't be able to stop crying."

❌ "If I allow myself to feel angry, my emotions will take over and I won't be able to control my actions."

❌ "If I allow myself to feel scared, I won't be able to parent my kids/do my job effectively."

Indeed, sometimes people do feel so overcome by their emotions that it does interfere with their functioning. This is precisely why, as important as it is to experience our emotions, it's equally important to be able to put boundaries around them.

Emotional experiencing and emotion regulation are 2-sides of the same coin

You’re in Charge

It's important to remember: we are not victims of our emotions. We have agency over the time and place where we allow ourselves to experience them. There are times when it's appropriate to fully engage with and embrace our emotions—and there are times when it’s not!

We must acknowledge that life sometimes presents us with events that fall outside our normal expectations—traumatic experiences or tragedies that transcend our day-to-day reality. The emotional responses to these significant events are not what I'm suggesting we put boundaries around. Such profound experiences require us to pause our routines and respond with our full attention. However, for the typical emotional ups and downs we encounter in daily life, emotion regulation skills are crucial tools for maintaining balance and wellbeing.

Strategies for Regulation

If you find yourself experiencing a big emotion in a setting where you've determined it's not appropriate or desirable to fully experience and express it, here are some effective strategies:

🌱DistractionEmotions are time-limited and typically last only a short while. Turning your attention to a different activity shifts your focus away from the unwanted emotional experience, bringing the preferred activity to the forefront of your mind while allowing unwanted emotions to fade into the background. Engaging in a pleasant activity creates the opportunity for new, more positive emotional experiences.

🌱Focus on the goalSometimes we decide that we don't want to experience a painful emotion because we're in a situation with specific behavioral expectations, such as a workplace or social setting. Focusing on your goals for the situation can help orient you to the task at hand and away from upsetting emotions.

🌱“Fake it until you make it!”When we make behavioral choices consistent with our goals, these behaviors may sometimes feel inconsistent with our emotions in the moment. Maybe we greet someone warmly when we're feeling sad, or express confidence in a plan even though we're feeling uncertain. Some might question whether this is "inauthentic," but I disagree. Authenticity comes from the connection between our behavior and our values—perhaps it's important to you to be kind to others, or you believe in the direction you've chosen even though it feels scary. Your behaviors are “genuine” in the sense that they’re a reflection of your goals and values.

Finding the Balance

👉Building your ability to regulate emotions can increase your confidence that you can manage them when they arise. With this confidence, you'll be less afraid of your emotions and thus more likely to fully engage with them at appropriate times.

👉Remember, emotion regulation skills are time-limited strategies. If you find yourself frequently using these techniques to manage your emotions, it's a good indicator that you should take time in your day to create a safe space—either alone, with a therapist, or with a close loved one—to be curious and reflect on how you're feeling. Creating intentional space to process emotions, will help prevent them from spilling over at problematic times, such as at work or in your relationships.

Teach your kids

Helping children develop healthy emotion regulation skills can be tricky. Emotion regulation strategies can be challenging to teach kids, but they form an essential foundation for lifelong emotional wellbeing.

As with all lessons for children, we want to ensure we're teaching skills that are developmentally appropriate. Different strategies may be more suitable at different ages.

We often use distraction techniques with younger children, finding a fun activity to redirect focus from an upsetting event. This works well for younger children who haven't yet developed the cognitive complexity needed for more advanced regulation strategies.

Asking children to act opposite to their emotions is a more sophisticated skill that may not be appropriate until later in elementary or middle school. The key here is to help a child learn to manage their emotional experience without invalidating their feelings! For example, we often learn these lessons in sports—being supportive or congratulating the other team while experiencing the sting of a loss. Try these strategies:

✔ ️ Create a space to talk about the upsetting event at a more appropriate time, letting your child know their feelings are important and valid.

✔ Tie the desired behaviors to goals and values so the child has a clear understanding of why they're being asked to exhibit certain behaviors and not others.

The key to emotional wellbeing is having the skills to both experience and regulate emotions as well as wisdom and agency to choose which is the best approach, at the right time!